| memories of my existence..
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I'm falling
I'm falling
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling
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3.20.2006
i miss you holding me in your arms..
keeping me safe from all my troubles..
i miss looking into your eyes..
i can tell that you're assuring me that you won't let anything bad happen..
feeling your breath on my cheek.. inhaling your warm intoxicating smell..
listening to the sound of your heart.. your voice soothing me..
trying your best to show that this'll last a lifetime.. love..
good..
i don't really believe in forever..
i wish i could wake up to see you next to me..
God only knows how much i try my best to endure the loneliness without your literal prescence..
i guess it'll be much more rewarding when the time comes when we don't have to be apart anymore..
of course i'll wait for you..
of course i'll trust you..
of course i love you..
it won't easily change..
i see in you a future..
ours..
i want to be happy..
with you..
i want to say
"don't ever leave me"
but destiny can only dictate if you will
or won't..
seize the day, the moment..
i love you..
///
kitten
Bitched, Ranted and Rambled on 3/20/2006 08:59:00 PM
3.18.2006
Daily Boredom
its already the end of the sem and i'm really bored..
not that i've become numb to the pressure of last minute requirements or final exams..
rather, its just that i miss being in all the noise of the people at home.. or at least, i miss having o be forced to do something that'll keep me quite busy and deranged for the rest of the afternoon..
jenny went to palawan with mama since she's on vacation..
my vacation would supposedly start after april 1..
but thats if i don't choose to take summer classes..
which i guess i should take so as to not mess up graduating with only a sem extension..
amazing..
i'm thinking of going to med school..
not that i have much of a choice to do something else with what i have..
but then again, maybe it's not that bad at all..
i'm all alone in the house.. literally..
i mean, its usually ok for me to be left alone since.. i'd most likely be talking to hon..
but he's now out of town for the weekend..
not that he hasn't been out of town relative to me..
he's in subic with the rest of his family.. gone to ocean park and probably swimming.. huhuhu..
i miss swimming already..
wish we were well off and had a pool..
or at least the clubhouse fixed the pool so i could go swimming..
i love swimming.. its good exercise and its way fun..
better than all those work out clubs that make you feel that you're losing weight faster than motivated exercise at home..
i miss being on vacation..
i remember back in the time when going to the philippines was plain vacation.. and the house i'm in now was just a vacation home..
we'd be going everywhere..
nayong pilipino, megamall, ripley's in glorietta, robinson's galleria, marikina, swimming in the various resorts, tarlac, a beach somewhere i don't know.. different churches..
even a trip to my lola's place seemed like a vacation outing, since i'd see my cousins again after a year away..
i'd pretend to understand the eat bulaga jingle.. and actually memorize it..
i'd try to force myself to like valiente and mara clara and palibhasa lalake to not die of boredom when we didn't go out..
i'd pretend that having 3 pesos and 76 centavos was like having a lot of money.. and getting a 20 from my tita was like striking gold..
i'd be sleeping over at my cousins house and admiring how much she studied.. since back home, tests and quizzes didn't exist..
when was my last vacation?
ah, before i got into college..
now, summer seems like the time to catch up and retake the subjects you dropped or failed during the regular sem..
i miss being a kid..
life was much more simple..
wish my family had a business..
so we wouldn't worry about dad's retirement..
wish i had just taken something like fine arts or advertising.. summer would be internship.. and that means i could already take jobs and earn money..
to support the family and my own needs..
was i really supposed to become a doctor?
it seems so stressing that i can only become functional after like.. 7 more years..
and at that rate.. i'll be starting at minimum wage for health care professionals..
i don't know..
we'll just have to see what happens..
///
kitten
Bitched, Ranted and Rambled on 3/18/2006 03:24:00 PM
3.05.2006
Healing
last night, i had a few lines during a chat session with hon that seemed more of a revelation..
i was cleaning out my e-mail inbox when i came across some of the messages me and marc exchanged post-breakup..
well.. i don't think we really exchanged much since it seemed that back then, it was me who took the initiative to have something to e-mail about..
well..
while hon was busy trying to get some people to answer a survey i needed for a paper..
i took a few minutes to read the messages..
it seemed back then that i was desperate and not willing to see that it was over.. it was almost as if i wanted some miracle to happen to make things better between me and marc..
it was evident that i was rejecting the situation as it was..
and to think back then i thought that it wasn't denial but just a phase..
i made myself a doormat..
and an emotionally suicidal martyr..
what really struck me was a particular message that said all about my psychotic denial and romantic rationale..
"i'll show you that i can outwait anyone, because i love you.."
i mean.. in an ideal romantic world, that line would've done the trick to make the other party reconsider..
not that i lied about it when hon came along..
but rather..
i'd like to think of it as it was true in circumstance..
when no one would come along.. i'd have still waited for marc, which was apparently waiting in vain..
i'd be waiting as long as anyone in that kind of situation could, without destroying any ounce dignity the situation left me..
mikki came along and made me see that i could mean something special and important to someone..
that someone existed in this world that could accept my shortcomings, virtually unconditionally, and still be able to say that their love for me hasn't changed a bit.. no matter how drastic things become.. or threatening an instance becomes to our relationship..
i hope that i reciprocate well enough to make him feel as much loved and accepted as he made me feel..
i appreciate how mikki still denys the possibility that we'd split up because of someone or something..
he shows me that he'd still want to be with me through everything.. life threatening or not..
whether it would cause a set-back in his plans for life..
he's really made me a part of his life..
not the center of it.. but probably a big chunk n_n''
he was there when my family almost condemned me when they found out that "he" claimed me..
he was there to accept to face the consequences if my family treated him with hostility..
he was willing to adjust to whatever perception they would have, even though he truly resented the situation..
i used to say to marc that i appreciated him making me feel welcome.. and be treated by what i was truly worth..
it came more of a shock when he threw me away because of his personal reasons..
it was like i equated myself to trash that was 'used up'..
all the goodness drained from me..
all the hopefulness and the desire to make a mark in the world vanished..
all the courage and self esteem i tried so hard to build up despite being repressed and depressed because of other factors in my life quicky turned negative..
i indulged in self hate.. self pity..
i felt that i was the most unlovable being..
or a person without any worth..
i felt ugly.. unattractive.. like a burden..
and that there was no more point living in this world..
i admit that when i turned suicidal.. it wasn't really because he threw me away.. it was more of him making me evaluate what i was.. and i thought that i wasn't useful in this world..
me feeling inferior in the course of our relationship intensified..
i mean.. this one person, and the only person i considered to affirm that i meant something and was worth anything.. suddenly throws you away.. without any explanation..
it made me feel expendable.. that i was that worthless to just be discarded without question.. and i wasn't worth the effort for a good explanation..
"tinakbuhan ka nya"
"ginamit ka lang"
"pagkatapos ka nya pagsawaan, iniwan ka na lang"
"madali ka nya palitan kase binigay mo na"
"tanga ka kase, naniwala ka sa kanya, sabi ko na nga sayo ganyan talaga ang mga lalaki sa manila"
"napaniwala nya ako a, magaling syang manloloko"
"sayang talaga, napamahal rin sya sa 'min, ganyan pala yung ugali nya talaga"
i kept hearing things like that when i was at the time of contemplating on the best way to die..
well
owing to the fact that i feared death as much as i was vain at the time..
like..
"i didn't want to make suicide in this way since i'd be ugly or disfigured in the coffin at my funeral..
i don't want to leave that as the last image of me people would remember"
i admit.. no matter how many times i say that this would be the last time i'd mention "him"..
i'd would still go on and on and on..
this was a life turning experience..
sort of an opportunity for an overhaul.. and despite having gone through all the pain.. and still going through the process of healing after a year..
i'm thankful for God letting me experience it..
i've become a more insightful person i believe..
i thank God that mikki still supports me though i know its painful for him to have to hear about marc.. and see me panic or sad or depressed..
without mikki, i don't know where i'd be in this point in time..
i don't know if i'd have killed myself.. or become a social outcast.. or a bum.. or a slut.. or anything..
i owe it to him and the people who stood by me what i am today..
much better than before..
not afraid to face the truth.. not afraid to speak out when in distress.. not that much afraid to try new things..
not scared that people will find out who i am and what i've done..
acceptance of me and by me..
its a gift really..
forgiveness still exists in my vocabulary..
but for the experince mentioned above..
it'll come..
but not now..
people say you have to face your fears to overcome them..
yes.. i've realized that its traumatic..
and like any traumatic thing.. its scary.. maybe it explains the anxiety attacks?
the mere resemblance of him and any attributable object or mannerism..
still feels like having my heart shot at point blank with a shotgun..
its makes me begin to think that after the many times it has happened.. that maybe i've developed a psychosomatic heart complication.. irregular heart beat.. the feeling of increased pressure on the chest.. the feeling of having your heart literally crushed.. shortness of breath.. shaking of the knees.. closing of hands into fists.. obvious disocciation and blank face..
i want to face my fears.. but if it brings me to have health complications.. i'd rather do it later in life.. i want to do so many things with mikki.. i want to have a life free from this burdensome memory.. i want to be happy and loved and appreciated.. and i won't let some person swat me down..
///
kitten
Bitched, Ranted and Rambled on 3/05/2006 07:28:00 PM
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