| memories of my existence..
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby
I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
When you came my way
You brightened every day
With your sweet smile
Didn't I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won't last
Didn't I give you
All that I've got to give baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
I keep crying
I keep trying for you
There's nothing like you and I baby
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
This is no ordinary love
No ordinary Love
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying I'm falling
I'm falling
Keep trying for you
Keep crying for you
Keep flying for you
Keep flying for you I'm falling
I'm falling
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12.27.2005
Remembering Marc
i don't know.. maybe its an embedded thing again.. even after so may months.. maybe almost a year even..
i still keep on having things that remind me of marc and the things we used to do..
its not that i'm refusing to let go.. it just comes natural when something happens and i somehow relate it to marc..
its amazing how i even an quite complacent when i say his name..
why should i even make it a big deal anymore..
there was a time when i kept on finding ways to censor his name.. something like voldemort, he-who-must-not-be-named..
id have names like jerk-face, asshole, dumbass.. and the such.. i don't remember anymore..
i think i'm improving now..
i don't cry anymore when i remember memories of some sweet things he did..
or of the things he did to hurt me..
he's so diluted in my system that whenever i come across his pictures.. its like i don't even remember being with the person i see.. its like.. he's something made up.. dream-like even..
maybe thats why i don't tremble waking up to dreams that contain him.. anymore..
his notes.. scribbles..
i don't know..
i make a lot of scribbles too..
i don't remember the way he smiles much..
or the way he laughed.. much..
i don't even remember the sound of his voice..
i only do when i come across the collection of mp3s he made of him singing a few of our favorite songs of the time..
and when i do listen.. its a bewildering feeling..
its doesn't register that i've been with the person as long as i have..
its only like clips from a movie..
i remember a few instances..
but i'm more like.. "what were we doing the whole time?"
how could we have filled the supposed 3 years and a bit more of knowing each other?
this process of disassociation is amazing..
i know its hard to forget everything that happened..
but maybe because of the many times i've told the story of what happened from my side over and over again..
i've become numb..
i don't see the point in giving effort to react whenever it comes up again..
but then again..
like i say i seem to run on programs..
whenever i come to an instance that i just might see him..
adrenaline pushes me to go through with it..
like a time i went to the headquarters of level-up games to claim some CDs we were going to give out at kAME ulit..
i somehow ironically hoped to see him.. i don't know why really..
i remember the time when i went to recto to look for mikki's after eden..
its a good book that i even got marc..
its not to overwrite the memory of giving marc one..
but more of i wanted to give the book.. personally, i wanted to keep it for myself sice it is, i reitterate that it was a good book.. especially for couples..
and it seems more meaningful that i give it to mikki..
well..
at the time, i went to so many national bookstores and still couldn't find a copy..
imagine, Katipunan, Tropical, Sta.lu, SM North, Cubao and then recto and still to no avail..
i ended up with Mythology class.. still from Arnold Arre..
anyway.. from recto, i tried going back to cubao to check again..
so i rode a jeep in the direction of lealtad.. the same route to marcs shop.. computrack..
and it was so amazing how i didn't tremble as i walked past the shop..
they had new windows, not the display type but tinted jalousies..
normally i would've barged in and rented a computer or something..
but i'm over that..
i mean, what for, i have internet at home..
i even got myself brownies at Goldilocks and miraculously passed on the oatmeal raisin cookies..
i had lunch at Burger King Dapitan across the table we sat at during the 'incident'
and then rode to cubao..
i saw on the way the place where we used to ride a tricycle going to their house..
i remember we used to walk the distance when we were kind of short on budget..
and then the fx passed the pares place we used to eat at..
the fx stopped around there since there was traffic..
and then i saw someone that looked like him from the back..
then i sort of panicked.. and stared..
irrational..
ok now.. don't i sound like the hypocrite?
saying i'm moving on but in sight of him i panic..
but i'm not.. a hypocrite that is..
i've been pondering on this for sometime though..
and maybe.. no matter how much i'm repulsed at the idea..
and how infidel i feel..
that there still exists a part of me that might still..
love him..
but,i'm happy where i am already..
i'm happy with mikki.. and appreciate how he does his part to keep me sound and sane..
and believing that there is a love that can be magical and miraculous..
mikki loved me when i was put down and almost driven to the edge..
jeez, i almost killed myself..
he helped me see through my depression..
he kept talking.. and kept me talking..
he made me see a bright side to what was happening..
he even defended marc saying that the latter loved me..
i kept on thinking otherwise.. because knowing that marc loved me and yet put me throught what he did hurt even more..
at least if he didn't, it would put justice to his actions..
mikki was truly my friend in my dark moments..
maybe thats why he grew on me so easily..
it wasn't easy letting him in..
despite only haven been broken up for around two months..
there became an us..
i don't believe we rushed..
it wasn't some damaging revenge like thing on marc..
he fell out of love with me, while i fell back in love with someone else..
but its so cliche to say that first love never dies..
and here i am still trying to be consistent with what i believe..
but yeah, love for him didn't really die..
it turned into something else..
a versatile body of emotion that fluctuates from pity, anger, complacency and maybe love for a mere second or two at times.. my ulimate goal in this matter is to turn this into forgiveness..
i'm over all the destructive emotion that had its toll so much on me..
i'd still like to give credit to the time me and him were still a couple..
i remember trying my best to reaffirm him that he was a good person, and someone lovable..
i remember that he used to put himself down by saying that he was ugly and no one would ever fancy him or something..
i sometimes felt offended by that since he was degrading the person i loved..
i kept reminding him that someone was there to love him and that they were always looking for the best for him, not just me that is but also his family.. i kept on stressing on the many talents he had.. and i was always proud of the greater things..
sometimes i felt that he was thinking i was ashamed of him about the way he looked.. so i rarely introduced him to my friends.. i don't know myself why i didn't do so often.. maybe i wasn't accustomed to it since on his part, i never had the opportunity to meet his friends.. my friends knew him more from the things he did.. they's be wishing to have someone like him since i kept on telling them about the romantic little things he did, or the amazing feats he'd have done as a computer whiz, a comic artist or varsity basketball player at the time.. and sometimes the things he did for his family.. i was so proud of what be made himself and i'd be flattered whenever he said that i was his motivation.. he was a beautiful handsome being.. i didn't know why he couldn't feel it, or why people couldn't see it.. i loved his eyes.. and the way he'd look with a stare that would burn right through you and make you melt.. in a good way.. i tried to show him that its ok once in a while to take care of yourself despite the need to be there for everyone and do everything.. he was so dependable.. i remember the testimonial i wrote for him in his friendster account before he erased it.. a lot i wrote there was true.. but maybe i was wrong in the part that he loved me more than i loved him..
i guess it was true that i loved him too much to see that he wanted to be set free..
i loved him too much to feel that the end of our relationship was near and coming..
i mean.. i remember the point in our relationship when i'd wonder why it was so perfect in the sense that we weren't fighting or something..
i guess at the time of the break-up, all the fighting that was missing balled up in that instance..
i remember trying to devise a time capsule sort of thing that i hope he'd open when he realized he wanted to come back..
weird no?
it was a black box that had my yearbook description painted white on it.. it went something like:'i am not a quitter, i will fight until i drop, its just a matter of having faith in the fact that as long as you are able to draw breath in this universe, you have a chance"
it had a hidden message in the inside lining of the box.. something like.. "i knew we'd make it. I'm not afraid to take risks anymore.. I'd rather put myself in peril believing that I am doing the right thing.. and if ever someday comes that I die, I'd be happy since I'd ask God to make me your angel.. to finally be able to take care of you.. I love you"
i never gave it to him though..
obviously since i had to take the box to write a copy of the messages i just wrote above..
it contains the remnants of a trial i got through by mikkis good wishes..
ehehe.. the "thing", egg shell and bandages from my AME induction..
those are symbols of strength for me..
im a fatalist..
i believe that it was meant to happen and no matter what i did or could have done.. it would've ended the same..
i had to endure a lot of hurt.. even music wasn't easy on me.. songs like 6cyclemind's Biglaan, Stonefree's Sayang that had to have a video at the LRT2, a song by Sarah Geronimo whose title i don't remember.. Jimmy Bondoc's Let Me be the One.. basta.. way loads of songs about breaking up.. even Gwen Stefani's Cool was idealistic..
im moving on in the aspect that i don't want to look back..
i don't want to go back to what was anymore..
i'm healing my self as a person..
but its still incomplete..
i'm still curious about knowing what happened..
not that i want to relive what happened.. or change anything..
just for the sake of knowing..
i used to comfort myself in my dark moments saying that marc was literally dead and that his spirit lurked around me for forgiveness.. that maybe he would make up for everything by taking care of me.. like a guardian angel or something..
how fantastic..
and then i saw him at the kAME ulit and had my anxiety attack episode..
like i said earlier..
i used to think that he was just merely a memory.. not real..
so then it was quite unnerving seeing him in the flesh.. and all the bad things he did flashed back in the few seconds of the confrontation..
i guess knowing what happened from him, at this rate, is health tolling.. and its just better to stay away from him..
lest i look epileptic without mikki to bring me back to reality.. n_n"
that leaves me no choice.. but ironically the freedom to keep on concocting explanations to what happened..
yeah, i am a fatalist..
everything happens for a reason..
now i have a new treasure to take care of..
and i hope he feels that i do love him though i don't show it that much..
i love him for staying with me back then when i was low down in the dirt and wallowing in disgust for myself and hate for my patheticness..
i love him for staying with me in dealing with my family problems..
and i love him for staying with me in dealing with problems i used to hide in..
now that they're out in the open.. its liberating and fulfilling that we have acceptance..
i'm happy that we're continuing to strive to keep our relationship healthy despite the distance and miscommunication at times..
i love mikki so much.. i don't know how to love him without giving opportunity for it to happen again..
i don't know what would happen if it did..
but this i don't want to ponder much on..
i have to have faith in him..
and try to believe that there exists a love that will last..
i don't use the word forever..
forever doesn't exist in this world..
but maybe if it were destined that me and him are soul twins, gemini..
we would be able to find each other no matter what world or dimension we'd be placed in..
eternally on a quest to reunite lifetime after lifetime..
better than soul mates.. we are two of the same origin.. not incestuous as the concept may seem, but it just confirms that we were meant to be together, the same but different beings.. weird.. idealistic..
*snapping out of it*..
i just hope its him.. we can only know with time..
///
kitten
Bitched, Ranted and Rambled on 12/27/2005 12:42:00 PM
i wrote this around christmas morning.. 3 am or so..
christmas drama
i should be asleep by now..
we've just finished checking out our presents and i got a couple of neat stuff..
like one of those zappy thingies thats used for self defense.. wekekeke...
and clothes and jewelry..
now all i'm left to do is wonder if mikki had a great christmas noche buena..
haven't had contact from him because of the busy network and totally lagged service..
aside from the fact that i don't really have any load n_n""
just missing him so much..
just hugging the cute stuffed toy rabbit he gave me.. haven't even thought of a name yet n_n''butter ball? hihihihihi..
i've always wanted one..
even back in the days of me and marc..
there was this particular stuffed toy rabbit that actually met my so called standards..
as in, the texture of the fur..
the puffiness of the stuffing, the symmetry, the face, the weight, and most importantly, the "huggability"..
it was obvious that i wanted it since i told marc quite directly where to find it and i think maybe even the price..
he said that he'd get it at least for my birthday if not for christmas..
he shouldn't have said that since, since then, i'd always check out the bunny to see if it were still there whenever he said that he hadn't come around to buying it, or maybe saving up to buy it..
of course he didn't get to buy it since it was gone already when he decided to get it..
there was even another store that had it months after.. but then again, he didn't have any intention of getting it..
that was when i learned not to expect to get things from people.. even if you try to embed in them the idea that you like something..you'll appreciate it more when you get something when you didn't expect..
the pink bunny was on one of my wishlists, even when me and him were over..and then mikki came along with this yellow one..
yellow is a pleasant color..its not like the one i wanted..
but its qualities are the type that grow on you..
its long fluff, soft pink nose, tongue sticking out, mischeivous yet cute face with one eye almost blinking shut, its round belly, its backward ears n_n"..
my bunny is unique, not typical, but definitely lovable..
somehow i connect it to mikki..
sometimes people make standards even of the people they want to be around..
i honestly had my standards for a mate even way back.. even when it was me and marc..i thought that i'd be paired up with one of those koreanovela type hunks..
fair complexion, maybe chinito, lean build, taller than me, actually, tall..
nice long fingers, oval shaped fingernails, straight hair, looks good with long hair..long facial features, nice mysterious eyes, voice of an angel etcetera..who i ended up was mikkifair complexion, more of the caucasian white than chinese white.. brown eyes i like to stare into.. mysterious at times but mostly playful and tantalizing.. baby faced with very pinchable cheeks.. a big round head n_n" yeah, a little problem with hat shopping but he manages.. he's the guy version of petite.. i'm taller than him.. but its not a big deal to me.. he has broad shoulders that actually gives him the inverted triangle hunky look.. he's kind of hairy.. on the legs, thankfully not on the arms.. very manly.. he has a sometimes squeaky voice.. depends really on the mood and occasion since sometimes he sounds so dreamy... and yes.. he can sing well.. he shines when he sings, even if its just karaoke.. best of all, he has qualities that good looks can't compare to.. he's funny, and lively, and hyper at times, and very inquisitive.. sometimes childish though.. and he's supposed to be 20 n_n" but he has a lot of patience and perseverence especially with me..and thats something quite rare in a guy..
sometimes i become a sadistic drama queen.. yeah, i know, i can't even imagine how people try to get back at what i say.. because what i say usually hits them hard..
anyway.. bottom line?
people always find something to criticize about another person..
even when it was me and marc, they kept on saying that i should be with someone that would match my looks..
thats even brought upon mikki..
and like before, i don't conform to what they dictate..
if only they knew the beauty i see in these people i choose to be with..
they would probably understand why i don't end up with the so called aesthetically gifted..
because whats even more valuable than what you see..
is something that doesn't fade in time..
something that will last.. a heart and true character..
and i'm thankful that i've been given the chance to meet these people that have changed me in many ways..
for the better, for the worse.. i don't know.. but they have shown me how to live..without having to have a famous background.. lots of money or connections..
but just plainly being themselves.. raw and crude..
///
kitten
Bitched, Ranted and Rambled on 12/27/2005 12:29:00 PM
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