solace..

a lot has happened the last few days
meeting Mikki's dad wasn't too much of a fuss for me since they treated me well..
I also got to meet kuya MA and ate Acel and yes, Mikki was right to say that i might be the tallest of the group
It was kind of awkward meeting them while wearing my so called japanese schoolgirl outfit, which i wore for supposed promotional purposes for the kAME ulit fair the next day
maybe i was too chicken to go on front to promote so i kind of did my part by sharing why i was wearing such an outfit to a couple of my curious classmates
it was such a hassle bringing another set of clothes so i just wore the outfit throughout the day
kuya MA and ate Acel said i was cute ^_^"" maybe it was because i was in my demure girl mode or something.. and i seemed to be surprised at everything..
weird but nice..
it was good that i felt so at home with these people i've only met for the first time..
pity that not everyone could act the same way with every new acquaintance..
afetr picking me up from school (yiha~), the driver brought us to the camp to pick Mikki's dad up..
someone who made it a point to make up for the time away from his kids by apparently splurging, not that it wasn't a good thing for Mikki and kuya MA
kinda pathetic that i didn't catch his name though.. ^_^""
it was weird being brought into a heavily guarded (exagg~!) area and i though of it a bit as a privilege to be able to get in..
since the 5 of us wouldn't fit comfortably in the car with a driver, Mikki's dad drove us instead, with my 8 o'clock curfew in mind.. we were going out to dinner somewhere..
and i don't really regret that it was with them that i first got to go to eastwood..
nice ambiance, but there was the majority of restaurants and the places to shop were quite pricey..
none the less, i enjoyed the buffet at Twist and was able to try stuff i've never thought i'd be able to try so casually..
it was another awkward moment having to slip some tip for the waitresses and peeking at how much was spent, which made me think i should've stuffed myself ^_^""
i was too shy to say a proper thank you when they got me home..
and it was good timing in fact, since kuya and dad weren't home..
i didn't tell them i'd be having dinner with Mikki's family since dad kept on saying all i do is talk about Mikki..
jealousy anyone?
not that they really cared or anything..

saturday was eventful..
i started off the day so early since a lot preparations had to be done..
despite that, i couldn't set aside the fact that this was also a day i would be spending with Mikki again..
and i appreciate that he's done more than what the shadow could ever do in terms of support..
he even thought of getting baon for breakfast, lunch and dinner at 7-11, nice stuffed pandesal thingies, and even got me a mickey mouse key chain, which was a part of the hong kong disneyland raffle at 7-11
i really feel this time that he's both a bestfriend and boyfriend..
someone who i thought the other guy could be
someone great to hangout with, someone who knows how to shine some light on a cloudy day, someone who still pinches me into sense and reality once in a while..
he definitely has a load of patience for my erratic emotions...
which came in handy for what happened later in the day..
I was assigned to become promptor and stage slave (wehehehe~) to the program head.. so i basically spent my time running doing this and that, looking for whoever and making sure messages got through to people in the crew..
it was fun having the best view, having to be on the side of the stage most of the time, especially when the cosplay catwalk started..
i don't really remember why i had to go up the stairs on the way to the second floor.. i think it was to check if the cosplayers were sorted out or to see if the person in charge of the cosplay catwalk had everything under control
and there he was.. with a few other people.. sitting on the stairs, blocking the way..
cool, i can say i got to talk to him, after all this time by saying that they shouldn't sit there, they were blocking the path..
then i headed to the 3rd floor.. and then i felt the attack..
my body was freezing up and i had a hard time breathing.. i tried to time my breaths, slowly taking deep ones... then my eyes started heating up and then the tears started flowing..
i remember the first time i saw him again earlier last sem.. that was the first ever anxiety attack i've had in my life.. not only did i freeze up.. but also i was shaking to the point that anyone i'd touch would shake with me..
i ran to the CR after that and tried to keep my hands from freezing into fists.. still shaking and freezing.. it was so hard trying to keep my palms exposed since my fingernails were digging right in.. i couldn't control my knees and breathing.. i thought i would faint right there and go into shock since i couldn't even blink either..
having someone to care about then brought me strength to face him that day without so much as a twitch once face-to-face
and friends there at the sign-up booth to try and comfort me after the confrontation to appease my dread and sobs..
that flashback had a flaw, this time, someone was downstairs to hold me and tell me everything would be ok..
it was a good thing that Mikki came to the fair and that i knew where he was sitting...
of course i cried.. and lost myself for a bit.. but Mikki was there..
i didn't cry because of the cliche "..i still love him" cause i don't.. nor was it ".. i need my revenge".. maybe it was that just the sight of him makes me sick but i had to put professionalism first since i was a representative of the org..
i guess i cried because even when its over between us.. his ugly memory still haunts my family and brands Mikki as someone who could do the same thing..
the family has narrowed their openness to knowing who Mikki is...
sheesh.. my mom still says she favors him over Mikki in some aspects... but this is where things change for me..
i don't want to listen to what they say anymore..
whether they like him or not.. I love Mikki and that is something i'm going to fight for.. I'm not going to let it just fadelike that.. or give him away.. or bastardize the welcome of his family..
maybe it is all about us..
i can't wait to find my calling and leave this pathetic excuse of an existence so based on dependence..
i've arisen from pieces with Mikki's help.. and i'm not going to set him aside just because he deosn't fit the familys standards..
they're not going to marry him
i am..
if God wills..
and fate decides...

taking out the garbage
maybe i'm running on one of those programmed things i've been accustomed to from my previous life..
i keep on having these instant Marc reminders.. maybe because i've been cleaning up all the garbage in my room and almost frequently i keep on finding little notes and scribbles that i used to doodle during classroom boredom.. our names joined together are on my 1st and 2nd year books.. on certain page numbers.. my handouts are labeled with the tedzbebz and the numerous variations..
maps of the the venue where we first met and stuff similar to that are on the backs of my notebooks.. aspirations to change my view in life "because of him".. flyers, tissue.. stubs, food wrappers.. and worst of all.. loose sheets of paper with his ever so famous messages of loyalty and promises of forever.. all the "i'm different from other guys".. "i promise i'll never ever let you go".. "my love goes on for you for blah blah ladidah".. "nothing will change the way i feel for you".. "no matter what happens, we'll stick together like snot lalalalalalalalblahblahblah"...
and looking at other contemplations after the supposed devastating breakup.. i hate myself for making myself feel like a rag.. and hate myself even more that i wasn't able to tell mama what happened between us.. she would've talked to his parents about him taking advantage of me..
its like i let my dignity in that aspect slip away.. the reason? at first, i didn't want to hold him back... dumb idea.. i should have crushed his oppurtunity to manipulate anyone else..
i'd like to think that it was more of that i didn't want to spend my life attached to such a jerk like him.. as my mom said that she'd have had us married..
there was a time however.. that i though he was a great person.. maybe i blinded myself with love to see his many flaws..
so why make him the topic of the entry again after all this time..
well..
even when he's gone.. what he did still echoes in the minds and thoughts of all the people around me..
basically.. i've been harassed by the people close to me with confrontations and stuff like.. "ganyan talaga mga lalaki, 'pag nakuha nila gusto nila s'yo, hindi ka na hahabulin. papalitan ka na lang"
or the ever repeating thing my mom says na "concentrate on your studies na lang, para naman meron ka pang pwedeng ipagmalaki".. that in particular was degrading and hurtful..
its like what i did sent me to eternal damnation or something..
maybe it would've been better if i really did attempt suicide so they'd appreciate my so called well being today..
i didn't let my depression consume me..
my academics didn't crash down..
i didn't withdraw from my social life..
i didn't becone a useless wreck..
maybe i didn't become an academic achiever or the friendliest of people on the planet.. but i can firmly say that i've survived and become better than all the suicides and girls out there who have a similar situation..
it wasn't easy telling Mikki what happened to me..
i know that in this society that that thing is what tentatively gives value to a girl relationship wise, especially in the marrying aspect..
i love Mikki even more for accepting who i was and who i am now..
i never forced him to stick to me, and i even told him that i'd understand if our relationship wouldn't last because of it..
but here we are.. almost on our seventh month as a couple..
strongly honest and doing our best to overcome the distance aspect..
people underestimate our relationship.. saying that its risky and that its bound to end soon..
people say that theres a chance that Mikki might have a girlfriend in Dagupan.. or on the other side, people have taunted Mikki that i might have a third party..
i accept why they may think that.. the distance permits the many possibilities.. but they don't have the right to label me or Mikki as a pasttime.. or panakipbutas.. or opurtunista.. or a fling..
i'm serious about him..
maybe i'm not full of the romantic hope and aspirations i used to be like in my relationship with Marc..
i'm awakened to the fact that life is definitely not a fairytale..
and its turned out better and more healthy for our relationship..
i'm cutting out the expectations.. not eliminating them since i can't help it..
its a better surprise to find out things happen positively when we don't expect, rather than expect and just be disappointed..
ok.. whats the point?
well..
as things progress.. of course me and Mikki came around that aspect..
and yes, there's no use hiding it anymore.. everyone knows anyway.. mom, kuya, ate my, jenny and even dad..
i know this is going to cause a stir..
but its expected anyway..
and somehow
i feel liberated..
nothing more to hide anymore
maybe this is the feeling when someone reveals that he's gay or lesbian or something..
mines just a bit more..
um..
less confusing..
i've always been safe... reducing risk as much as possible and that denotes responsibility for my action..
i'm not a young mother nor do i want to be..
i have some dreams i want to reach that aren't in line with being a parent..
i want to be able to give my children what they need..
i want to give them a future made from my efforts..
and i know that enough to not let my desires take over..
c'mon.. i'm only human..
well..
because of what Marc did, and partly by what me and Mikki did.. there are so many restrictions..
mama even said that i'd have to break up with Mikki and the sort..
but i'm not eating that crap
whats happened made me want to stick beside him even more..
i know that we'll get through this..
even if everyone sees me different..
its because Mikki is different..
he's accepted me and what i was like i said earlier.. he knows how to take responsibility and accept the consequences of his actions..
he's staying with me.. despite the oppurtunity to escape the mess in easy access..
worst case scenario is that we'll be forced to get married..
its not really a bad thing..
in fact, i like it...
Ü