could this be the birth of something beautiful..?

8.01.2005

"..that a good soul, as he crossed the path of a shattered being to mend the latter without even trying, has chosen to be bonded to the goal to show me a person of worth i constantly continue to deny i am.."

I remember writing that a few months ago..
and I feel that my hubby's played the part well so far..
though even if I still seem I am in constant denial that I am a great person when people compliment me, I am learning to accept recognition for even the simplest of things.. yey, I'm actually growing..

I actually know how to say I'm sorry, and point out my own mistakes.. to admit, it's an awkward feeling since I'm the one people offend or step on.. so I'm more used to accepting apologies than making them.. but being put in the real situation when a person points out you are wrong.. or that you lack something.. isn't really as harsh as it seems.. to be more honest, I appreciate them doing that, especially when Mikki does it.. he makes me feel that I'm actually human, just like him, not only being able to make mistakes but also given the chance to see my mistakes and improve for the better..

I was so used to being conditioned, "programmed" as I'd rather appropriately term it.. my conditioning mode of learning was so preferred by my system of a mind that it overrided and overpowered logic, reason and practicallity.. It was like "what you say is what you get" literally.. even though you joke about telling me to do something out of this world, depending on the priority you have in my life, it would most likely be I'd do it no matter how awkward or maybe even embarrassing it may be.. even I have a hard time determining if a person close to me is joking or not, all I know is that I'd rather do what the person says literally..

maybe I really am a gullible, naive person.. but its more of me trying to eliminate malice in my interactions with people.. I easily believe; I easily trust believing that people around me are naturally good and that them being bad are just particular instances.. even I can say that Marc is a good person but he totally sucked at being a boyfriend in handling how we should have broken off.. but I still remember his goodness despite the fact that normal girls who went through what I did wouldn't even give the body energy cost for the neurons to create brain activity to even think of Marc for a milisecond.. The point is that still I can't deny that regarding issues of trust, I learn the really hard way.. so its really bad if I lose trust in a person.. I'm fatalistic in the sense that what was meant to happen will happen and there's no change that can be brought by giving venue for something to happen all over again.. simply put as: you had your chance, your chance is gone, you'll never have it back, at least the way you want it..

that event that happened months ago has actually brought me more good.. I get to do things that I never really got to do before, not that I was prohibited before or anything.. I'm not as afraid of trying and failing as I was before.. I'm actually learning to have even the slightest fear of failing so as to push myself to do a bit better.. I really do feel that I'm becoming human.. not just a mere wallflower..

I'm recognized as a person with ability, not just as a trophy of a girlfriend, or a "beautiful" acquaintance, or as "the girl in black who always listens to music".. people call me by name and actually use it in conversation other than academics.. they inquire how I'm doing and don't demand constant contact to be able to talk with familiarity in the next encounter.. people are willing to know me.. not just be affiliated with me.. I feel good now helping people even with the littlest I can offer.. all this without the mentality that people are only using me.. I feel appreciated, I feel that instead of being pushed down that I am challenged..

even though what I'm in isn't what people would call a life, I can say I know I'm starting to truly live..

Bitched, Ranted and Rambled on 8/01/2005 08:16:00 PM